Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
