I think i peed on brittanys purse
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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