Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
