so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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