who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
