she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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