If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
