I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
