I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sarcasm needs its own font
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
