I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just puked most of my soul out..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
