in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
it glows. i had to have it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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