the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
