My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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