i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There r osticjed everywhere
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
