Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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