so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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