you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
