i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
