she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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