boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
