Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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