The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
