Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
