how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
