I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
