Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
