Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
