Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
