So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
