I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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