Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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