no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
