summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
