she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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