the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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