i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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