You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
