Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
