dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
