I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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