He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
