He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
