"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
