What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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