New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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