i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
