look no pants
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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