He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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