ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
