apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The best revenge is premature balding
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
